Ever since the first installment back in 2008, the Twilight films have seriously struggled to win over film critics. It didn’t help that the central love story in the first chapter played out like a rehash of the Buffy and Angel ballad seen in Joss Whedon’s cult show, while New Moon, one of the dullest blockbusters in recent memory, spent most of its running time searching for its male lead and a decent plot.
But then Eclipse came along. The schmaltz and mopey self-pitying were still there, but a healthy dose of pathos was added to the Edward/Bella/Jacob triangle, while the climactic smackdown between the vamps and wolves made for a satisfyingly action-packed finale. By the end of the threequel, Twilight almost started to feel… cool (GASP!).
Trust Breaking Dawn to bring it all down. What should’ve been the dramatic finale to a popular saga has turned out to be a frustratingly unremarkable entry marred by baffling plot points and what feels like a mash of incompatible genres.
We start out with Bella and Edward’s wedding and honeymoon. While the former is enjoyable in a quirky sort of way, the latter is an unintentional laugh fest. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart do what they can with the material they’re given, but even their best efforts cannot prepare you for one of the most ludicrously puritan takes on nuptial sex you’ll ever see in mainstream cinema. By the time Edward takes a vote of abstinence (on his honeymoon), you’ll feel as awkward as a third wheel in a sexually stale relationship.
Speaking of third wheels, Taylor Lautner phones in yet another whingey performance, despite having what is theoretically the coolest role. Jacob should be a wisecracking, lovelorn smartass, but Lautner’s apparent inability to act makes him come off as a horny, petulant teen (with his very own singles club in one scene, nonetheless).
The second half of the film intriguingly dips into body horror territory in a Rosemary’s Baby’s sort of way, as Bella’s demonic spawn gradually crushes her organs from the inside. Unluckily, even this development is tainted by the presence of shoddy CGI wolves, a canine caesarean and a brief sequence in which Jacob… well, you need to see it to believe it. Let’s just say it borders on pedophilia.
Since the producers have gone and pulled a Harry Potter, Breaking Dawn Part 2 won’t be hitting our screens till next summer. Whether the final installment will be able to recoup some of Eclipse’s cool and end the saga decently remains to be seen, but for now what we have here is an incomplete film in every sense of the word.
2/5
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